Parents, People, Comments, and Child Rearing

A cousin of mine who has adopted a child from Russia has been key in guiding us through taking charge of our Gabriel and helping him with attachment issues and other issues of adoption. On some adoption boards and very well-read and respected for her adoptive parenting wisdom and wisdom in general, she recently posted a comment about her tangle with another person who apparently freely pointed out that, due to the fact she had other children before she adopted she lacked knowledge of adoption.

Not certain exactly what the disagreement was about I find myself reflecting on the commonalities of disagreements and criticisms in whatever context they may appear. As a teacher, a licensed counselor and school counselor I have had to learn a lot about these social forays and why they occur. In education I have found these to be especially distressing and they certainly need addressing as the problems they are.

People will criticize for several reasons. They may actually feel insecure and self-critical about their own struggles with this topic and may be trying to make themselves feel better by putting someone else down. They may be viewing the other person as inferior to them. They may just be wanting to bully someone. They may genuinely believe that they know the only way and that no other way is acceptable. They may be pushing a cause they are devoted to. They may be wanting to be respected as an authority on the topic and may believe they are getting insufficient recognition. They may just be socially inept. And there are probably more reasons than I have mentioned here.

Regardless of the reason for the attack they often leave the attacked steaming and fuming. Over the short span of my life I have had to deal with these situations many times and in various contexts. I am certain that you have likewise experienced these situations in ways that have disrupted your life.

Deciding that I am never going to live free of these types of attacks I have concluded, at least for myself, that I need to deal with them in ways that give me my life back as quickly as possible. In this way I can hopefully continue to function normally while I process the incidents.

Without a doubt I have come out of such situations scathed in some way. Usually I have found myself angry at the person who is doing the inflicting. I have tried arguing back and showing my anger and opposition to the other person. I have tried talking about it to others to garner support. I have tried simply pretending like it hadn't happened. Every time I have argued and shown my anger at the person I have felt "small". Every time I have shared my experience with others I have felt "small". When I have tried to pretend it had not happened I have found myself talking to myself to garner support!! None of these has ever worked for me. The wound just keeps getting bigger and bigger and going deeper and deeper. It is only when I have responded with a caring attitude toward the other person that I have come away feeling okay with myself.

Since I cannot control what anyone else does I find myself now wanting to control what I do about what they do. Thus instead of simply reacting I can act on the situation and feel more comfortable in my own shell.

In his book, Bonds That Make Us Free, C. Terry Warner expresses his beliefs about how, "Life can be sweet." This amazing book seeks to help us maintain our appreciation for ourselves. He comments, "We all know the difference between times when we feel open, generous, and at ease with people versus times when we are guarded, defensive, and on-edge." And this entire work is devoted to understanding ourselves better and taking back control of our own feelings instead of, for instance, believing that someone else "Made me mad."

With me this approach to life works well. The application of the principles embodied in this material is challenging for me. As with many of you I have my own issues that tend to just pop-up and challenge my ability to take back control. And when I do take my control back, claiming my own emotions as mine and making decisions that are in my best interest, a very liberating feeling emerges within me and I am back on track and happy again.

I do not entirely accept all of that which C. Terry Warner advocates, but for me the general principles he covers are relatively sound.

I plan to keep referring to those and I teach my kids, both at school and in my family, as much as I can about how much control they really do have in their lives. It is actually very scary to some of us to discover this, but when we overcome our fears of this knowledge, we can move on and be happier.

Have a great day, and thanks for reading!!